Radiation Area

Why Amy Winehouse deserves to be mourned...

2011-07-23T14:58:00.004-04:00

I will admit I have never owned or even illegally downloaded an Amy Winehouse song. Most of my listening pleasures of her music came from driving around in Bill's car or the 18 month loop that "Rehab" was inescapable. I have had friends who really liked her. I have had people I can't stand really like her. For the most part I was somewhat in different. Most of my experiences that were self inflicted had nothing to do with her talent. But for a brief few years when I would secretly indulge in gossip blogs . For the past 4 or 5 years she has been a favorite subject to report on. And, I can not deny I too couldn't help but eat up the train wreck that was her life.

She was almost an unashamed mess of a human being that seemed to revel in her infamous behavior as she did drugs and drinking. And, like so many before her she died - though it is still unexplained as of this blog. It is pretty obvious her lifestyle was the cause. With Anna Nicole Smith, Corey Haim, Brittney Murphy, Health Ledger and so many famous people who have passed with a cloud of overdose suspicions around their deaths the public tends to swing in both directions of mourning and hatred. How many times do you see people blindly crying that it is a shame someone so talented (or just famous for being disaster) died? Also, how many times have you seen people roll their eyes in disgust and proclaim that these people "got what they deserved, by their poor choices"?

For some I can't disagree with either. Heath Ledger was a good actor. Anna Nicole Smith was a dumb blond with nothing going on. But even if they had it coming I can't help but feel bad for the most part. I don't think I care about who they were or what they contributed. I think that anyone dying, even of addiction is loss. If not for them then for the people who are left behind. We have all lost someone from something. Either from addiction, cancer, accidents or overall poor health. If they smoked and got lung cancer does that mean people who loved them do not have the right to grieve because of this choice? Obviously not. But in a world that grows so heavy and cynical with each passing moment people are becoming more cold and angry and unsympathetic. I can add myself to that list. When Ryan Dunn got drunk and then got into his car and drove 115 miles per hours and then lost control and flew into a tree killing himself and a passenger I was annoyed. Not only was this dangerous and even unnecessary to himself but the fact of the matter is he could have killed someone else out side of his car. And for that I though "what a dick". I still feel these actions were terrible but I softened when I though of the fact that he had family and friends who were heartbroken. Even if they way he died was a direct result of poor decision making.

But Ryan Dunn was not an addict (at least from what I understand. If I am wrong please feel free to correct me). As a child of an addict of both drugs and booze I can tell you the long term effects on those around them is often painful. For me I was angry for a long time. I couldn't understand why my father was an asshole. When I realized what was going on I tried to be supportive and understanding. My father eventually did get clean. However he was still a terrible person. Also people could no longer use the excuse that he had problems. But I also discovered the truth of the matter is addicts are just people. And some people are good, some are not, some are lost, some are sad, some are smart, some are stupid and some have more talent in their left pinky then anyone of us will posses in a life time. Amy Winehouse is in fact a combination of many of these. As we all are. The complexity of human nature and existence gives us all layers. Even an Anna Nicole Smith.

As for addiction, I think having it in my life at an early age made me almost dangerously passive about it. I would see this many years later when I looked back at friends who also obviously had addiction issues but at the time I usually could not step back and think "they need to stop". I would just think "that's who they are and if they stop great". Also I can understand the physical and mental pleasures of recreational drinking and drug use. But I can also remember laying on my friend's couch after a night of ecstasy feeling tired and strung out and helpless. I believe I was lucky. I was never an addict and when I hit a point where I could feel my own body rejecting my choices I knew it was time to put an end to the party. I was able to walk away easily. It was because I never was addicted and I dabbled in such habits with extreme moderation. When I realized I could possibly go over that line it was over. Though it is hard to deny how people could become addicted. It is partly because of drugs and drinking itself. But almost every doctor will tell you some people are more adept to become addicts then other. It's genetic.

I am not qualified to really discuss the mental or physical dependence. I can only look at what I know and see and try to understand. It doesn’t mean I have to be a pushover and make excuses. But it also doesn’t mean I have to take a militant stance of harsh sentences parading as truth. To me the reality is always in the middle. Addiction is sad and hard to over come and no one should have to die from it. However, not taking the steps to do so, one needs to take some personal responsibility. It's hard for everyone.

For all my blasé interest in Winehouse, I cannot deny her voice was incredible. It had a brassy jazz quality that is hard to emulate. You either have it or you don't. She had it. Yes she also had Mark Ronson. He helped her music and production. But her lyrics were hers. Her voice was hers. Her demons were also hers.

I can remember driving around a few years ago with Bill blasting the Back to Black album. Bill seemed somewhat shocked that I wasn't a bigger fan. I just shrugged and said "she good but I don't know if it's for me." He was surprised. I have an affinity for all things vintage and her music in a lot of ways was like me (sorry this is going to get corny) It was old timey and melancholy with a little bit of an edge that could easily be as off-putting as it could be delightful. The title track came on and Bill smiled and commented how Roger Moore got a mention in the song.

I sat back with the window open and a breeze blowing on my face. I was tired. I got quiet and listened to the song. I liked it. I liked it a lot. It was pretty with overtones of sorrow and an undercurrent of strength that implied she was self aware enough to except her faults and keep going despite of it all. I always liked that kind of message and emotion. People never get enough credit for knowing who they are. In fact when they do we often tend to assume they are wrong and they are in denial. But are they really?

Amy didn't need to die of addiction. But she knew in some ways she was a fatalistic romantic. Things often don't work out people of this idea. Maybe if she had gotten clean it would have been something else. Or maybe she would have outlived us all sitting in her den at 93 chain smoking and telling the world to fuck off a la Bette Davis. It doesn’t matter. That is never going to happen. She isn't a folk hero for being a cliche. She also isn't to be admired for being a mess. But she doesn't need to be mocked or ridiculed either.

People who loved her can mourn her loss and some can even evaluate their relationship with and wonder if they enabled her. I bet a lot did. I also bet a lot of people just assumed they couldn't do anything and just hoped for the best like did so many times.

In this case there was no hope and that's just as tragic.

So in the end people should step back and acknowledge her faults. She did. And there were many. But also take a step back and think about people who have died and if there were talented or just famous. It doesn’t make it less sad either way. But just realize it is a shame there will never be a follow up. She never gave herself a chance. And let's face it we all expected this a lot sooner. Even if it wasn't for you, Back to Black is a stand out album for herself and Ronson. It is sad we will never know what could have been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcNGT5Nyj9E

Two Days in the life of Riley

2011-06-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

I found out yesterday that my favorite boss was "retiring" in 2 weeks. But really he was forced to leave or fired or both if you think aboutit. I have suspected for months but I was still semi blind sided by the 2 weeks notice he gave the department. Now all the other self centered people I work for are making plans to make me even more of a slave without a future there. I have a job interview next week. But I really need to step up the game. Because I can not be there any more for many reasons. This is yet another sign pointing to an exodus.

Today my department had to meet with the head of HR and the President of the company to discuss "the direction" we were going in. And their ability to be evasive was not even impressive. Long story short, my main is not being replaced. We are going to report directly to them (HR head and president) to see what we actually do as a department and what I gather we will be absorbed and restructured. This is another reason why I must leave. I am easily the one who will be laid off because there is not a

place for me. While we are all sitting there sad and still in shock the research cunt says this: "I heard we were going to maybe get a new person to help out with research. Is that on hold"? Everyone looked at

her like the fucking moron she is. I have no idea how someone so stupid is at the level she is at. Ummm we just got told we are under evaluation and our boss who has been at there for 23 years was let go, oh wait sorry "retiring". What makes you think 1) you mean anything? 2) the department which in under evaluation aka slowly disbanded going to hire you-a nobody associate director-your own special person? What even made all of this more insulting was the president saying "I was shocked he wanted to retire". I wanted to bang on the table and say: "Stop it, you can at least pay us the respect of not pretending this was a choice".

I managed to get creepy laughter during this meeting. We were told next week the official press release to our publishing partners is going out. If anyone catches wind before hand we are to say no comment. Then the president and HR head looked at me and said "we imagine you will be getting most of those calls". To which I dryly and sardonically replied "Lucky them". While I am aware this is not funny, those two started cackling like I was hilarious and truly embracing this change. I even got a

"That was good" from the president aka the asshole who has been gunning from my boss for years.

So ironically yesterday (before the announcement) I joked with my boss that I would be happy to be his assistant forever. He gave me a smile (which I now think was sad) and said "Thanks Cort, I appreciate that". I guess he knew forever would be July 15th.

Today I ate nothing but carbs. Because I am a child and when I am sad I want bread and sugar and then for dinner I had chicken and rice but neglected all of the chicken. I sulked on my couch until I caught my dog using her potty pad and then it hit me. The most vile smell of fecal matter I have dealt with in ages.

I have an aversion to shit.

I mean yes we all do but I seriously can NOT deal with it. I, at the very least dry heave. Well I went to clean it and started dry heaving immediately. It was violent and I backed off. I held my nose

and took a baggie and went to clean it up again I started to get faint and feared I could pass out in dog waste so with every ounce of strength I scooped it up and ran to the garbage but it was full. So I

went to dump in the toilet and to do so, but it was too late I couldn't stop...I turned into my sink and vomited and cried. All those empty calories were now gone. Just like so many things. I guess this is what bulimics feel like. Alone on a bathroom floor trying to figure out what they are more repulsed by life or themselves. Lucy came into see me as she suspected she was partly to blame I said "hi" weakly and she walked out.

Renew, reuse and reduce?

2011-06-11T14:49:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone (no one)! I have decided to revamp this blog. I may at times still do movie and TV recaps. But I am not longer forcing myself to stick to the all encompassing "pop culture blog" regime. Mainly because I never actually stick to it. I have decided that this will be more of a personal blog. Don't walk away!! I know kids. I am really boring. But I like blogging as an outlet. So even if no one ever reads this (check) I can still use this to release some energy. If any of you remember my myspace blog ( myspace? I know crazy) I use to ramble a lot about things that popped into my head. I plan to go back to that. So if that means long posts about nothing, angry rants about the human race or something amazing I read or saw (good and bad). This is now the place to be.

So in case you stumble upon this or someone recommends this to you ( I know I can't laughing at that one either) let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am in my very early 30's. I work in the ad department of a famous fashion house. But in the past year I have made some efforts to leave. I am not quite there yet. Long story short I have decided to redo my B.A. I have decided that my one true talent is forming arguments or thesis statements and am pretty good and thinking them through and proving it. It's a talent that often makes me an asshole and annoying to debate with. I am often described as a killjoy of conversation. Ok no one has ever said that to my face but I can tell. If you get me in the right mood I am just going to argue why your point has a logical flaw even when you are simply trying to have fun. So yes, like we stated above: I am an asshole. I am sorry! I really am. Now have I set you up to think I am debating going to Law School? It's actually possible. But mostly I am looking to get a B.S. (hee hee) in Psychology and then a Masters (if Law School doesn't possibly take a real place in my heart). I feel I am well suited pointing out White People Problems and helping people learn from it. So I kind of think I would do best as a shrink. Oh shrinks with your reputation to help other people while being a complete mess yourself - that sounds like the life for me...

Also I in case you are wondering I do in fact have a boyfriend. A great one at that, just don't expect too much to be said about him and our relationship. It's just not my strong suit to paint a picture of two idiots in love and making it interesting. We have our private world and I would like to keep it that way. Do you really care about our minor arguments or things that make us laugh? I have to assume no. Because to be honest I don't care about your relationship at all. Unless I know you. Then I do care and we are better off talking about it off this blog. However my fella may pop up here in pictures or if I relay a story of our warm weather adventures. Warning ladies, he's very silly and I imagine you will all want to kill me just to get a piece of him. Too bad!! LOLZ...ok enough!

I live on Staten Island, NY and that's about as exciting as that gets.

If there is anything else you want to know about me you are going to have to check back in to find out.

Blogging from yesteryear

2010-09-04T15:36:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone. I found out yesterday my old long forgotten Vox Blog will be no more.

They allowed me to move everything to typepad. I had forgotten about these. most of them are either from my old myspace (remember those days?) blog, or random stuff I wrote in 2007 (remember 2007?, what a crazy fun/horribly depressing/ rather boring year that was!).
I haven't had a chance to reread them and remember that I as once a more prolific blogger and even worse typist. Feel free to go down memory lane though with me.

Seriously feed back would be great. Was as I decent as people once said?

Remember me!!!!!!!

Good Bye Harvey Pekar, So Long Cleveland

2010-07-12T14:52:00.007-04:00

Hello Radiates! I have some sad news, Hevey Pekar has passed away. I am sure most are you are familiar with him. He wrote several graphic novels and comic strips. One of the most famous was called American Splendor. This was also the title of the movie bio about him where he was played by none other then hippo in disguise Paul Giamatti (look I am not trying to be cute. But I suspect Paul Giamatti is really a hippo look here and then look here.)

Anyhow in memory of a man that brought a lot of joy with American Splendor and his other works I have decided to cut my usual verbose essays and leave you with these words from William Wordsworth's poem "Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood":

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now for ever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind...

On a side note this part of the poem is also used in the unbearably over-wrought film Splendor in the Grass. However, I liked Pekar's, Wordsworth's and Inge's use of the word splendor and I thought it was rather fitting for today.

Twilight is well...sorry...it sucks

2010-06-18T23:50:00.002-04:00

Ok I know this is long over due. I am a terrible blogger. It's mostly because I am so lazy and I so wanted to do this review justice.

Let's just jump into this:

So Twilight starts with our heroine Bella Swan. Bella is from Arizona. Where it's warm and dry. Her mom married some 40 something minor league baseball player and they decide to hit the road but somehow hit the road really means moving to Jacksonville, FL. Bella doesn't want to hold her mom back from hitting the road and seeing the country (her mom is the stupidest person alive. Because, they go to Jacksonville and never fucking leave. This makes me think her mom and step dad don't understand the meaning of living on the road) and so not to be a wondering nomad by simply just moving to Jacksonville she moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad who she apparently never sees. Let's not even bother to see the logical flaws in any of this. Please we can't it hurts to much. And Twilight is filled with illogical nonsense. We just don't have this kind of time.

Anyway Bella goes to the dreary state and her dad and her have uncomfortable I don't know you at all small talk. Low and behold though he has bought her a rusty truck from his friend. His friend is a Native American in a wheelchair and his son's name is Jacob Black. Bella remembers Jacob from when they were kids and is sad he won't be going to school with her. He's goes to school on the Native American reservation.

It turns out Bella shouldn't be worried. It seems Forks high school is extremely small and everyone knows she's the new girl. In fact she is greeted by a short annoying Asian kid who seemingly runs every high school activity and wants to make her the cover story of the school newspaper. She is not interested.

Now I plan to go into some detail here. However, I need to preface this by explaining that Bella is quite possibly the most boring character ever created. Seriously she is so dead panned and unemotional. It is not in that "I am quite and have dry wit because I am a brooding intense person" way as most movies make you believe. She is literally just lacking a personality. She says nothing of interest in 2 hours. She is seen reading at one point so I guess that is a hobby. But she never even mentions she likes anything. It's like watching a pile of instant mashed potatoes emote - which is to say she rarely raises her voice or mentions anything that would give the audience a slightly in depth look into who she is. Wait sorry. She is clumsy. We know she is clumsy because she falls twice and says she is clumsy. Other then that...(chirp). I assume this is so any woman watching can easy place herself into this character and feel that she is the one all this natural and supernatural love is for. Because giving her any sort of personality trait would alienate readers? Someone tell Jane Austin she had the whole foundation of romance novels wrong.

That being said not only is Bella almost the front page news story before anyone meets her, but now that people get to meet her and she has no active interest in them because she probably had a lobotomy or isn't remarkably social or even drop dead beautiful they all want to be her best friend or date her.

Ok sorry I need to mention this as well. This movie is terribly acted. Not kidding. I am not being super hard on this film simply because I have 3 brain cells that have a natural curiosity for film. These assholes are getting super rich and famous for acting worse then you did in the holiday pageant where you fucked up your lines and Tommy Nelson pissed himself because he forgot the words to Frosty the Snowman. K-Stew is pretty terrible. But it is sometimes hard to tell if she is totally flat or if the character just bores her. Academy Award Nominee Anna Kendrick is terrible because she is given the most superficial and blatant girl hater stereotype to play then when your former best friend got mad because you finally got a date with one of the 439 she said was cute. Robert Patterson is bad. The short annoying Asian kid is bad. But the worst fucking piece of shit actor in the movie is the guy who plays secondary character Mike Newton.

Bella meets Mike Newton in gym class when she accidentally hits him with a volleyball. Below is a great example of how bad the acting is as well as how absurd every one's reaction to Bella is:

Seriously!!! Why can't she emote? Why is Jessica written in the most poorly constructed insecure bitchy fake instant best friend ever? Why is that guy reacting to her terrible badly delivered joke like he just saw The Jerk for the first time? I don't understand. I knows it's been a lot of years since I went to high school, but I am pretty sure it hasn't changed this much. I doubt these days people are falling all over themselves over limp broccoli.

Don't think it's possibly all like this? Please watch. This is the next scene at lunch.

WHAT? THE? FUCK? Come on! 1) Mike Newton should die. 2) That Asian kid is the fucking worst. Why is he the fucking nasty with the other Asian girl about the feature. You are the editor, tell you staff before they go to interview the subject and fuck off with your wanna be William Randolph Hearst bullshit. I got your back baby? You just meet her and nothing has happened where she needs you to have her back. 3) Bella did not pitch a great story there news girl. She made a generic teen issue pitch and told another lame joke. I don't understand this reaction. It generally angers me. 4) Oh right here is the real meat of the story Edward Cullen. If you don't know by now Bella and Edward become a modern day Heathcliff and Catherine and are taking tween girls and soccer moms by storm. But here is the twist you already knew. He's a vampire.

Again sorry, I need to ask this: So your a vampire, you have eternal life. Why are you and your vampire nest going to high school infinitely? That is really poor planning. I get you look young and you need something to do. But, you could go to college for 300 years and never stop finding things to study. So I mean you are bored go to college, go to grad school I am sure being alive for a few hundred years will make you score pretty highly on IQ tests and the SATs, you could technically get a doctorate and people would just assume you are a genius. No? High School? Really? Stephanie Meyer, you do realize that most people agree high school is the worst and that their lives really blossom after they leave. No? Ok sure the Cullen's have decided to go to high school forever. That is really productive and not at all suspicious.

Anyway next Bella goes to her biology class and even though it's roughly February or March in the pacific northwest the fan is on. Bella steps in front and that cheesy hair blowing thing occurs. Apparently it also makes her scent blow in Edward's direction. Then he jizzes in his pants. Not kidding:

These guys know what Ed's talking about:

That's how you jizz in your pants!!! Not because some walking block of wood stepped in front of a fan - unless it's juniper or birch . That stuff smells amazing.

Anyway Edward goes missing for a few days. Every guy is still hot for Bella and is still terrible at acting. Case in point:

Oh look Eddie is back! Bella and Eddie have a conversation this time where she monotonely opens up about missing Arizona and her parents. And makes a comment how she doesn't like cold and wet anything. Which is hilarious because he is sooo cold because he is sooo dead. Anyway later she is almost in a hit by a van in the parking lot and Edward uses superhuman speed and strength to get in between the car and and block the van from hitting her. And while she is amazed by this no one else seems to be all that shocked. Dude, I know this town is small and not worldly but it's pretty insulting to hint that no one else would have noticed this or found it really curious. No? No one did? Ok I guess we won't bother to go down this logical path either.

Look I also want to point out I can suspend my belief and buy vampires exist for the story. I refuse to believe every single person in this town is oblivious to someone speeding like lighting across a parking lot and stoping an out of control van with his bare hands. Sorry! Sorry I am not fucking 4. I didn't develop that chain of thought until I was 4 1/2.

Anyway are you bored? Ok good because I am too. So Bella and Edward have random conversations where he creeps up on her, has manages to eavesdrop on her conversations from across large rooms then tells her they can't be friends. This happens 2 or 3 times. 2 or 3 times he starts conversations with her then tells her he can't talk to her. Then Bella gets asked to the prom by about 72 guys and she turns them down. Then she almost gets gang rapped and or mugged and or killed walking alone down the alley and Edward comes out of no where and saves her again.

Oh also Jacob tells her the Cullen's aren't welcome on his reservation due to a century old treaty and his tribe is descended from wolves. With this story and the use of google Bella figures out Edward is a vampire.

This is when the story goes from suck to blow.

Bella confronts Edward. He admits he's a vampire then throws her on his back and with an insultingly sily special effect he runs up a mountain to where there is sun and shows her that his skin glitters in the sun light. Yes, vampires are not nocturnal they just sparkle. And that's why they avoid the sun. Good going Stephanie Meyer. Then they go into the worst dialogue ever! Where Edward does a lot of close talking. To appear dangerous and sexy.

Actual exchange:

E: I'm a killer.
B: I don't believe you.
E: I'm designed to kill.
B: I don't care.
E: I have killed before.
B: I don't care.
E: I wanted to kill you. I have never wanted a humans blood so much before.
B: I'm here, I trust you.
E: It's you. Your scent. It's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroin.
B: Why did you hate me when we first met?
E: I didn't. I wanted you so badly. I still don't know if I can control myself around you.
(I am pretty sure this is a terrible metaphor for teenagers having sex)
B: I'm not afraid of you. I am just afraid of losing you.
(Dude 1. you hardly know each other. 2. You two have never really talked about anything that would constitute you being that close)
E: You don't know how long I have waited for you.

WHAT?! Really? And here are 2 more flaws with this movie and I presume book. 1) the concept of time is really screwed up. I assume it should take place over months. However, these two only know each other what seems like 3 weeks. Plus it's about March and the kids are already planning the prom. I don't mean like oh the theme is Some Enchanted Evening. I am talking play lists and finding dates and dresses which I believe happens only weeks before prom and also doesn't prom also happen at the end of the year? The movie violently goes between these contrasts so much that I literally have no idea what the time span is.

2) Edward please see me for a moment. You are like 109 years old. You've seen a lot, lived through a lot. And even if you look 17 you are a fucking adult with eternal life. You have waited over a century to date the dullest teenager ever created? Really? Not only is this creepy in a pederast way. It's also unbelievable. We find out you are extremely cultured. This is your soul mate? Aren't you more mentally and emotionally mature then her? You can't score a cute little philosophy student? One that is I don't know a slightly more mature and intelligent legal adult or other vampire that you might have more in common with?

Anyway Bell and Ed start dating. She meets his vamp family and discovers that the Cullen's indeed have been going to high school forever. Also one of them is totally mean. The others have no problem with Ed dating a 17 year old human. They trust her. Because if there is one thing that in well known. 17 year old girls are totally stable, reliable and won't irrationally reveal secrets or do anything spiteful if provoked (sometimes not even).
We also find out Ed never sleeps and love music. Especially classical music. Bella has heard of "Clair de lune". Yep she's fucking amazing she's heard of one of the most well known pieces ever composed. Score Eddie! She is not a total cretin. Just a boring child.

Oh there is also a lot of this:

Then it also turns out Edward sneaks into Bella's room at night and watches her sleep. And she is flattered. Not at all unnerved! Bella, forget what I just said you are a total moron.

Also in the back drop of all of this random violent murders have been taking place. The police think they are possibly animal attacks. Then suspect it is murder. It's like a dim-witted Don't Look Now.

Long story short (too fucking late) it turns out to be a pack of evil gypsy vampires who discover the Cullen clan and Bella during a vampire baseball game.

I know I posted this, but I do in fact implore you not to watch it.

Anyway one of the vamps warns the Cullen clan to hide Bella because the main evil vampire now wants to kill her because she smells good and because she means so much to the Cullens and he's a dick like that.

So Bella goes to hide in Arizona and then gets tricked and is almost killed. But Ed and the other Cullen vamps show up and kill the dick vampire and then Edward has to save Bella's life by sucking vampire venom from Bella's wrist but he is scared he will drain her. But then he doesn't. Cause this is made for 13 year olds and supposedly for adult women. Her dad is not at all mad that his 17 year old daughter told him she was running away from home. Not only did he not stop her as he legally is suppose to as her father and as an adult and the town sherif, he isn't even upset when she winds up in the hospital because she "fell down some stairs" and broke her leg and has a bite mark on her wrist.

You know what this can only mean? PROM NIGHT!!

Yes as a 109 year old vampire. Ed can think of nothing he'd rather do then take his teenage idiot to the prom. Even though she hates dancing. She wants him to make her a vampire. He says no and this time together should be enough for her. Obviously she will understand this as she is 17 and has had a lot of relationship experience and isn't at all enthralled with her first love in a way a 17 year old is - i.e. irrational and unworldly unconversant.

So they dance. But it turns out Victoria (the vampire girlfriend of the guy they just killed) is at the prom. And, no one notices because she is hiding on the 2nd floor yet you can see her on some stairs and from a window? She apparently will have her revenge. Just not right there when Bella's leg is in a cast so she can't run and she would only have to fight off one vampire not the entire Cullen family. Yes Vicki and everyone else who thinks this is good writing. Passing up this moment makes a lot of sense. Maybe she just really likes proms.

The end.

Whoa, whoa. Situation!

2010-06-16T21:30:00.003-04:00

Hey Kids!!! Mommy's back and talking about the Jersey Shore. Well just for a moment. I know I said I was over our old friend The Jersey Shore. However, I heard something today that drew me back in.

Our favorite douche bag (not our favorite, as no one actually likes douche bags) The Shituation has a new song. It's cleverly titled The Situation. I can only find 50 seconds of it. But hold on baby birds not to worry. You can buy it next week on itunes. I have attached it below. In case you are a semi-intelligent person who has no desire to listen to it, I will give you the quick run down. In it Shits raps about getting with girls and drinking jeggerbombs. And by rap I mean rhyme horrible, auto-tuned with in an inch of his life. There are loud air raid sirens going on in the back that are techno mixed to make a guido fist pump like it's London in 1942. Also a gentleman raps about Hoochie girls, Christian Dior, LAX, The Jersey Shore. I believe it is the same guy who through out the song sings Whoa, whoa. Situation.

Please see for your self:

Frankly I would like to see the nation put a fork in these HPV infested twattards. But clearly they are not going anywhere.

They are hanging out with Michael Cera

Hosting New Years Eve Parties (I know it's June, I am topical):

On Jay Leno (again topical)

And apparently tweeting with Sen. John McCain.

John, you and I have had our differences over the years. Even more so in 2008. I know you don't know how to use a computer (true story). So I am sure twitter is like the devil's text messages to you. I am sure one of your interns takes care of your account. Because let's face it. A lot of things hurt your campaign, you not being in touch with youth voters surely didn't help. But American Jesus (the only one you recognize) fire whoever wrote this and STOP PRETENDING TO TWEET. This makes you dumber then the time you did this:

Dumber then this:

You are still smarter then this though:

Imagine if she was our leader? You think Obama is screwing up the oil spill? She would assure us that American Jesus wants our oceans lubricated. Whoa, Whoa! Situation.

hello blogging my old friend

2010-05-29T20:06:00.000-04:00

I know I said 2010 would be the year I really kick up this blog. I know I also fell short as it is almost June and I have not written since January. However, I really am just busy with a 9 to 5 job and a killer commute. Plus I have been in a sort of funk. anyone who knows me knows I am always in a funk of some sorts.

Writing usually helps quell these dark emerging thoughts. But time and time again I am reminded of my many typos and spelling mistakes and various other criticisms. While in many ways they are fair and I should work on that area; deep down inside I am always going to be that insecure dyslexic kid who hates everything about themselves and craves approval. And like most people who are egotistical when I do not get that praise I crumble under the weight and give up. It's totally ridicules and not a very attractive character flaw. Even more so when I am the first to point this out about so many other people. Life is rough and not about to hand me anything on a silver platter simply because my mom told me I was special. I believe I would probably do better if I were not so lazy. But I am. Again, it's not an attractive quality. I am aware of this. Time and time again I see it. And here is the rub that so many people seem to not understand. I know my flaws and while I am not good ad correcting them it is a vicious cycle. I know my flaws I need to work harder. I start to try to work harder at them and someone makes some rude but helpful (sometimes not so helpful they are just being a jackass) and I duck my head back into my shell and the cycle continues.

So reader here I am again trying to make a go of it. Perhaps it is best few think so highly of me and even fewer will read this. At least I can fall on my face again and I will not feel so self conscious because no one is looking. Yet, by no one looking I think they don't care. But then again I don't really give them a lot to care about, do I?

This blog was once meant to be a pop culture journal. That seemly ended with my half finished season of Jersey Shore blogging. To be honest I stopped caring about those dumb fucks. the became totally overexposed and frankly I was disenchanted with them becoming national celebrities instead of pariahs. It became like high school. They were shitty, stupid and shallow and everyone loved them for it. And all the while people who were actually interesting faded further out of minds and hearts. It wasn't fair. And yes, please spare me the notion that life isn't fair. I know this. You know this. I still feel it's ok to complain about it.

So what is my direction now? Well if anyone knows me they know I sore lack this. I am always the person standing somewhere at a safe distance not know where to go. Then again since I always think I am going to fail I chose not to go anywhere.

Some moronic kid I once knew was filled with zen phrasing but lacked any zen knowledge pushed Wayne Dyer on me and tried to tell me the power of positive thinking. It is not my strong point. Give me the depths of stoic, cold blooded German philosophy any day and I'll buy you some coffee and we will talk.

Long story short this blog is my cup of coffee to you and myself. I will talk about whatever I want and maybe from there I'll see what direction to walk in. If you are interested we can meet along the way.

Love and corgis,
Riley

Also suck it grammar police. I hope your perfect spelling and smug superiority are what tucks you in at night.

Happy New Year

2010-01-06T20:19:00.000-05:00

I know, I I promised blogs galore and I lied. I really have been busy though. No one ever believes me when I say I am busy. I have several blogs in draft form in my blackberry (yeah I am one of those people). Here they are: best movies of the decade, best movies of 2009, best TV of 2009, best TV of the decade, Fashion that should die with the 00's and of course Jersey Shore 2010 edition. Oh and this weekend Showtime is playing Twilight! That means I will finally be able to do my recap.

Radiation Area lost a reader in the past month. Good bye reader. I hope I gave you something other then my seductive sneer and ice cold demeanor to mull over. I hope you one day learn to embrace Jersey Shore as the trashy lesson it so is. I am just sorry it wasn't me who could help you find your way.

Any-who let's start 2010 off 6 days later and with a game. If you are not familiar with the pop culture smash hit of 2008 that is or was (not sure what tense I should use here) Stuff White People Like I suggest you check it out. People in the past have accused me of being white (true) and of being a hipster or at least a wishful future hipster (not true). It's not going to happen at 30. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Some people I know were offended by this blog. And to that I laugh at you because you are the exact ass monkey that is being mocked here. A friend of mine and I like to randomly send each other various posts that we think will fit each other.

Today I decided to take the entire list thus far and check off what applies. As it turns out I am not so white and hip after all. I wouldn't have it any other way.

#130 Ray-Ban Wayfarers - NO
#129 Banksy - ok but not madly in love with by any means
#128 Camping - NO
#127 Where the Wild Things Are - The book yes, the movie NO
#126 Vespa Scooters - Yes
#125 Bob Marley - NO
#124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy - COME ON!!
#123 Mad Men - YES
#122 Moleskine Notebooks - indifferent
#121 Funny or Ironic Tattoos - stupid
#120 Taking a Year Off - who isn't into this, most of us just have real jobs.
#119 Sea Salt - OK
#118 Ugly Sweater Parties - NO
#117 Political Prisoners - It depends
#116 Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore - Sometimes
#115 Promising to Learn a New Language - OK YES
#114 America - Meh I am ok with the idea of being an ex pat
#113 Halloween - NO
#112 Hummus - Yes
#111 Pea Coats - Sure
#110 Frisbee Sports - Fuck no
#109 The Onion - YES
#108 Appearing to Enjoy Classical Music -Sometimes I do enjoy this. I don't need to pretend.
#107 Self Aware Hip Hop References - Ummmm?
#106 Facebook -Meh
#105 Unpaid Internships - NO, pay me
#104 Girls with Bangs - myself?
#103 Sweaters - Yes I like being warm
#102 Children’s Games as Adults - Sometimes
#101 Being Offended - Duh
#100 Bumper Stickers - I use to have them. But I am an adult and I don't own a car because I live in a city.
#99 Grammar - We all know grammar and me are not friends
#98 The Ivy League - Fuck you
#97 Scarves - Not really, even though I am wearing 2 today. Yes I see the irony.
#96 New Balance Shoes - NO
#95 Rugby - I saw one game once I did enjoy it.
#94 Free Healthcare - YES
#93 Music Piracy -I pay for my music thank you very much.
#92 Book Deals - Depends. For me yes, for other people not really.
#91 San Francisco - Maybe
#90 Dinner Parties - ok
#89 St. Patrick’s Day - NO
#88 Having Gay Friends - I work in Fashion
#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes - NO
#86 Shorts - Couldn't care less
#85 The Wire - It was not my thing, but all my hip white friends tell me it was good.
#84 T-Shirts - Sometimes
#83 Bad Memories of High School - OK YES!
#82 Hating Corporations - OK YES!
#81 Graduate School - Meh
#80 The Idea of Soccer - NO
#79 Modern Furniture - Yes
#78 Multilingual Children - I hate children
#77 Musical Comedy - Sometimes
#76 Bottles of Water - If I am thirsty.
#75 Threatening to Move to Canada - Yes
#74 Oscar Parties - No
#73 Gentrification - I plea the 5th
#72 Study Abroad - Yes
#71 Being the only white person around - N/A I live in New York
#70 Difficult Breakups - Yes I loooove these, fuck you, no. I hate dramatic anything.
#69 Mos Def - He's ok
#68 Michel Gondry - He's good
#67 Standing Still at Concerts - Depends on the music
#66 Divorce - It is a fact of life
#65 Co-Ed Sports - NO
#64 Recycling -OK
#63 Expensive Sandwiches - Sometimes
#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People - I plea the 5th
#61 Bicycles - they are ok
#60 Toyota Prius - I like them in concept, I am too poor to own one
#59 Natural Medicine - No
#58 Japan - Yes
#57 Juno - FUCK YOU
#56 Lawyers - meh
#55 Apologies - OK
#54 Kitchen Gadgets - OK
#53 Dogs -Hee hee yeah!
#52 Sarah Silverman - Get out of here. For real, she is funny but not god's gift to ovaries and comedy.
#51 Living by the Water - Ummm
#50 Irony - Not at this point
#49 Vintage - YES
#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops - Sure
#47 Arts Degrees - Yes, I technically have one.
#46 The Sunday New York Times - Yes
#45 Asian Fusion Food - Nope
#44 Public Radio - Yes
#43 Plays - Yes
#42 Sushi - Yes
#41 Indie Music - Yes
#40 Apple Products - Sometimes
#39 Netflix - Yes
#38 Arrested Development - Yes
#37 Renovations - N/A
#36 Breakfast Places - Ok
#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report - Yes
#34 Architecture - OK
#33 Marijuana - NO
#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism - I hate Vegans
#31 Snowboarding - NO
#30 Wrigley Field - NO
#29 80s Night - NO
#28 Not having a TV - NO
#27 Marathons - NO
#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!) - Shut Up
#25 David Sedaris - Yes
#24 Wine - Yes
#23 Microbreweries - YES
#22 Having Two Last Names - Some day. Unless Sam Riley is interested in me. Then problem solved!
#21 Writers Workshops - NO
#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture - HA OK YOU GOT ME
#19 Traveling - kind of. I like new places I hate airplanes and other forms of travel.
#18 Awareness - YEAH but shouldn't everyone like this?
#17 Hating their Parents - Ummmm
#16 Gifted Children - FUCK CHILDREN
#15 Yoga - Meh
#14 Having Black Friends - I like having friends period.
#13 Tea - NO
#12 Non-Profit Organizations - Sometimes
#11 Asian Girls - Couldn't care less
#10 Wes Anderson Movies - I like them but he's a douche
#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside - I do it to myself.
#8 Barack Obama - Yes
#7 Diversity - Too much can be a bad thing. Have you seen Rachel
Getting Married?
#6 Organic Food - Sometimes
#5 Farmer’s Markets - Meh Whateves
#4 Assists - ?
#3 Film Festivals - Yes
#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to - I guess so
#1 Coffee -FUCK YEAH!!!!

See how many you are and we can discuss over coffee at a quaint little breakfast cafe before we go on out hick and talk about high art.

Happy New Year all 5 of you!

Red Wine Lunch

2009-12-30T20:01:00.002-05:00

I sort of hate women who worship Sex and the City. Today I went to Gina's and had chicken soup and we polished off a bottle of red wine. And no, it wasn't fabulous. It was just relaxing. Then her dog head butted me. I still got better action then most of those chicks on that show!

Where is Cortney?

2009-12-30T12:02:00.000-05:00

I know, I know I promised blogs a go-go this week. However, I really did need to do a massive cleaning overhaul. Which has been accomplished. Yay!!!

Today I have to meet my friend Gina to do some gift giving and a little Wii action.

I plan to get at least one blog in later tonight.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday.

If you are celebrating Kwanzza that is still going on. So merry Kwanzza? Happy Kwanzza?

The Punch Seen Around The World (except on the actual air date)

2009-12-21T20:33:00.005-05:00

So three holiday parties and one heavy cold later...

I watched Jersey Shore on Thursday. I was mildly tipsy and extreme congested and really couldn't take notes. However, Bill was kind enough to DVR it for me. And during the recent weekend snow storm he allowed me to invade a perfectly good night of television to so I could take my notes. And so Christmas came a little early for me. Just like for Shannon Elizabeth.

When we left off with the tangerine dreams Sammi Sweetheart was stumbling her way to back to the shore house. She was going to knock a bitch up (what?) because she was told Ronnie had left with JWoww. After she gave her number to a cop because Ronnie was dancing with a dried up piece of of peroxide jerky, because she was flirting with the cop. When she gets back to the the house she sees pretty much nothing going on. But still asks JWoww if she and Ronnie hooked up. JWoww says no in a tone that hinted that she would head butt Sammi if she asked again. In her confessional Sammi says this is what happens in relationships. People are really into each other, then get comfortable and then it goes down hill. I would be inclined to even give this some serious thought if the didn't know each other roughly 9 days.

Then Ronnie and Sammi start to fight. It goes something like this:

Ronnie: how could you give that cop your number?
Sammi: like everyone said you went home with JWoww.
Ronnie: You gave your number to another guy.
Sammi: I saw you dancing with another girl. That's like, like ooooh my god.
Ronnie: you're shady
Sammi: I told you so much stuff. This isn't funny. Like stop playing. Like oh my god!
Ronnie: you're like in there
Sammie: Like stop playing, like oh my god. Like seriously.
Ronnie (in tears): like I have so much fun with you.
Sammie (in tears): like Ronnie stop. Oh my god. Seriously. Like stop playing. Like for real.

Then Ronnie says she's his girl and they fall asleep. Then Sammie wakes up and still thinks he fucked JWoww? Then they work together. She won't talk to him. But at the end of the day. They have made up and fire works are going off on the beach. Then they have their own fire works. Sammi says of course they had sex. They like each other. Ronnie says they smooshed.

Mean while the night before Mike brought home the chick Ronnie was dancing with and Pauly D. brought back her friend. They go into the hot tub. Then Pauly D. and Mike decide it's time to smoosh as well. Pauly D.'s girl has her period and so he only gets action above the waist. Mean while Mikey Shits looks for condoms. But Pauly D.'s girl decides she's had a enough and it's time to go home. Because her mom will freak. So Shituation's grizzle decides to leave too. Mike is upset and tells Pauly's menstrual mama's minx to "calm down Freckles Mcgee" but it's too late they leave.

The next days the guys have a day of manscaping. They go tanning. Then they hit the gym. Then they go to the barber shop for hair cuts and gossip. Mike and Pauly D. get on Ronnie for breaking his golden rule about never falling in love at the Jersey Shore. Ronnie says something about Mike being jealous that he got Sammi. Mike says he's kind of like basically hooked up with every girl in the house and brings home a girl every night. Ronnie says that none of them have been 10s. Mike oddly enough doesn't dispute that fact. Just that he's basically about quantity. Ronnie says Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse. Vinny decides he's got to step away from this.

Again, Vinny is the only half way decent person in this house. And look at him? I really would prefer just watching this guy. He also told Sammi that giving her number to the cop wasn't a good idea. And yet he's not getting any play? Is there one Jersey Shore Whore with a tan of gold that can give this guy a handy already?

Any like for real like, Snookie is making plans to see her mom in a few days. Because her mom or "that girl" as Sleazy calls her is her best friend and she misses her. But being at the Jersey Shore is making her grow up and cut the apron strings. And to prove what a lady she is becoming she decides to do cartwheels and flips at the club that night. Mind you she is wearing what I can assume is a husky children's shirt and a thong. She she is flashing her ass and her vaginal lips all over the floor. JWoww says she is proud of Slimy. Really proud? Proud? That makes you proud to know someone? Jesus, JWoww. If Snook sat on the floor dragging her vag lips leaving a slime trail would you award her a Nobel Peace Prize for skankhood? Well, I shouldn't be so harsh on her. Because JWoww spent most of the evening dancing with Pauly D.; then jumps into his arms wrapping her legs around him and flashes him her vag too!

At one point the guys and JWoww show us how fist pumping is done. They start off on the floor hitting the floor, then work their way up. Pauly D. explains that the beat is hitting them so they beat back and beat up the beat. James Joyce has nothing on this wordsmith.

This is one classy group.

Specking of classy, Pauly D. and Shituation invite 2 girls back to their place. The girls agree. As they are walking back the guys see two girls in a convertible and ditch their girls to invite these new ones back. They agree? What really? Yes, really. So the convertible girls go back. But refuse to go into the hot tub. They just want to hang out. Mike tells his girl she is "kind of cute". She understandably isn't all that flattered. Mike revels his strategy of not wanting to give her too much credit but he finds her attractive. Pauly D.'s girl tell him that Mike's kind of cute girl has a boyfriend. But no one cares because this is Jersey Shore. Any Hep C., the original girls somehow manage to find the beach house. I am sure the producers didn't tell them where to go. And now the guys have two sets of girls. What's an asshole to do? Easy. They get rid of the convertible girls and now mac it to the original girls. However 1 of them is totally not into it. Mike calls her the grenade and Pauly D. entertains her and takes one for the team. But she proves to be too annoying and "busted" for Pauly (I must stress his words). He bails on them to go to bed. Mike and the other girl start to make out in his bed. But the grenade girl breaks it up and they leave. Mike says Pauly didn't have the code to defuse the bomb. Pauly just wants to go to bed.

Shituation and Pauly D. keeping chivalry and brohood alive in 2009.

Oh also Snookie got so drunk she couldn't find her way home so her and a guy she calls Ron (his name is Russ) decide to sleep on a beach. Snookie doesn't find him that hot but is sad she didn't get any.

It turns out JWoww and her boyfriend made up. But Stupid's catch Russ knows her boyfriend and saw her all over Pauly D. Tommy (of course that's his name) is not happy. But JWoww and Shoop convince him that it wasn't sexual. They were listening to house music and battling on the dance floor and that's it. This explanation is acceptable. Guido Town is confusing.

Snook and her mom hang out for the day. Snook explains to her mom that they are best friends and she misses her. But this experience is helping her grow up and expose her labia on national TV. Her mom seems kind of uninterested. I am not kidding she acts rather nonchalant about her kid telling her she loves her and misses her. Maybe Snook's mom is kind of happy not to deal with her train-wreck kid for a few weeks.

Then later that night the gang goes out to play on the boardwalk and they hit up a bar. Vinny says it is a really nice time out. People that they work with also show up. Everyone seems to be having fun. Until 3 drunken frat losers (Vinny's words. Seriously, give this guy his own show) start tagging along. Long story short I think Snookie is a moron and a piece of garbage. However what happens next is not her fault in the least. The gang buys shots. The drunken frat losers have been cut off by the bartender and so they decide to steal 3 shots. Mike is willing to let it go. But Snookie tells them they should give Mike money. One of them tells her to shut the fuck up. She tells them to get away from them and calls him ugly. So the guy decided the best course of action is to punch her in her face.

Now even if she was telling him his mother was a rancid cunt, it wouldn't matter. You obviously do not punch a woman ever. MTV pulled the footage of her getting hit. Because they care. Shut the fuck up! They were more then happy to use the footage to hype up Jersey Shore and to attract viewers. Clips and gifs have been going around the net for weeks. But suddenly it's all to much for MTV to bare. Maybe because they are capitalizing on a drunken stupid subculture where class and manners doesn't exist for money. No that isn't it. They care about violence against women. They even said so in a public service announcement. Fuck you MTV. Just play some Chris Brown videos and get on with it already.

Any fucktard, the guy got arrested.

Yeah, this guy. He's a teacher in Queens. He's been suspended until the school board decides if he can keep his job. His father defended him saying that the girl was asking for it. WHAT?!!! It's always ok to hit a girl because she is loud.Yes, she was asking for it because he was so drunk he wasn't allowed to drink anymore and decided to steal other people's drinks and then acted like an animal when called out on it. These are the kind of people we are dealing with. This guys a loser. These Jersey Shore kids are losers too. But at least they only fight people of the same sex. Uggg. I can't believe that is a plus in their world.

Is Snook ok? I am sure her vagina is and that's what's important to her. All joking aside it was fucked up. And I give her credit. She fell off her stool but walked away with minor injuries. She's tougher then me. But I am not suppose to know that. I guess I'll have to wait until the next episode to get the run down.

Until then keep beating up that beat yo!

Happy Holidays from Radiation Area

2009-12-21T18:16:00.005-05:00

Nicholas Was...

older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves' invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.

- Neil Gaiman

Favorite Albums of the Year

2009-12-19T22:58:00.001-05:00

I will be doing lists of some of my favorite stuff of 2009. I will also be doing some of my favorite entertainment of the decade.

I am starting small with music. I won't be doing in depth commentaries about it though. Not because I don't have strong opinions on music. I just believe I do not have a wide enough pallet to do this justice. While I do like a variety of music, I admit there is a lot I am naive on. I am not into a lot of Hip Hop and R&B. I am not super hip with Pop music. I really detest most of the "rock" that mainstream music stations play. I kind of laugh at most country etc. Plus, I am not always super current with every new artist and album that emerges in one year. I tend to be all over the spectrum with albums from many different decades. So for this list I am only going to do a top 5.

5. Julian Casablancas, Phrazes for the Young

While I think this album could be better I have to say Casablancas' first solo effort delivers a lot of funk and fun.
11th Dimension

4. Neko Case, Middle Cyclone

Neko Case may not be for everyone, but I find something refreshing about her folk voice wrapped in indie rock goodness. Plus she's has this mentality that reminds me of a mature woman and a twelve year old boy at once.
I'm An Animal

3. Dirty Projectors, Bitte Orca

I actually don't think this is their strongest album. However, this New York band is distinctly unique in sound and stage presence and 2009 was their year where they really started breaking out of the pack of just another New York band and catapulted themselves into the same arena as MGMT as being original in sound and serious about their live shows. They have garnered national attention. Which is good for them. Bad for the rest us in the city that want to see them though. They sell out quickly these days.
No Intention

2. Various, Dark Was The Night

This compilation album was produced by Aaron and Bryce Dessner of The National. 28 different artists primarily of the "indie rock" genre came together and created a 2 disk cd album to raise money to fight aids. It's got a lot of great songs with interesting duets. Not only did it have some kick ass music on, but proceeds went to a good cause. Take note Bob Geldof. This is how it's done. At least in this humble bloggers idea. Here are some of my favorite tracks:

Kronos Quartet - Dark Was The Night

Bon Iver - Brackett, WI

Dirty Projectors David Byrne - Knotty Pine

This was one of my favorite songs of this year:
The National - So Far Around The Bend

1. Phoenix, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

I think this is their best album so far. It's well produced and the songs are top notch. It's fantastically upbeat and fun. When ever I listen to it I usually get tears in my eyes because I can't remember the last time I had as much fun as this album projects. And when an album can actually give you the opposite emotional reaction of it's core, that is perfection.

Lisztomania

1901

Fences

Jersey Shore will be delayed

2009-12-19T12:20:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone. Due to 2 company holiday parties and having a heavy cold, my Jersey Shore recap will be on delay. I have been working on a few in drafts and will try and get them out this weekend.

Until then enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3l2-TyTcylk

Shout Out Time!!

2009-12-12T17:24:00.000-05:00

My very funny and very intresting friend Rob has a blog.

Unsupervised Learning
Please check it out!

Also he and I are planning to do a Jersey Shore Vlog sometime this month. We will keep you updated.

The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man on the Shore Guidos

2009-12-12T17:16:00.003-05:00

Please note: I wanted to write this earlier today but didn't get a chance as I have a 9 - 5 job. I know you are shocked this isn't my real job. But you know when you only have 5 readers and the spelling of a 3rd grader it's hard to get sponsors. Any guido, I did read a few blogs on my lunch break. I was a little miffed when I saw my beloved Videogum actually mentioned one of the ads. I was going to mention. great minds think a like? I won't insult Videogum like that. I think it was because they advertised it every commercial break. And, with all the controversy of advertisers pull out it was a little hard not to notice. Well at least to anyone following the scandal that is JERSEY SHORE!

So this week's episode starts off a day or two after the Ronnie/Sammi/Mike Shits "tanned triangle" (MTV called it this, not me). Things are tense to say the least. Mike and Sammi wear tee shirts that are from their shop. Sammi's says Jersey Shore Whore. Irony! Party of everyone on this show. Mike says he's already experienced Sammi and he's going to win her affections back and then he's going to cast her aside. Situation must be reading the playbook of every ex-boyfriend out there. I know this is a natural reaction for a lot of spurned people. But really, it's a little juvenile. Wait listen to me trying to judge these "special" people but my plebeian standards. You're right Mike and ex boyfriends. This always works.

Back at the house JWoww claims she doesn't remember hooking up with Pauly D. and his pierced penis for a second time. Pauly D. says she lying as to not feel like a trash bag. Oh Pauly D! Jolie has the trash bag lust.

But that is quickly usurped by Snoozy and her pickle fetish.

Snook doesn't understand what the big deal is that she sucks juice out of pickles while wearing a hat that says porn star in training. Yes, Snook I would believe that you are that stupid, but you are s hot tranny mess who repeatedly talks about getting her cervix tickled by anyone who will blinks in 90 feet of you. So you are dumb but you aren't Charlie about to place flowers in Algernon's grave level. Umm you know I think Charlie was in fact smarter then Snookie even at that point. Moving on.

Later Ronnie tells us him and JWoww are super close. I mean they have known each other at least 6 days. Ronnie tells her he is concerned over The Situation's jealousy and snide comments about him and Sammi and how Situation got there first and Ronnie has no game. Well this could have been avoided had any one of them put more then .6 seconds of thought into hooking up with multiple roommates. But as the reoccurring theme is confirming here no one other then Vinny thinks. And Vinny is still trying to figure out how you got his nose. Just kidding Vinny. I actually like you! Any melanoma, JWoww believes that Ronnie is into Sammie for realz. Ronnie says he likes her so much he would roll around in shit for her.

Wait what? Time out. What is Ronnie's fascination with shit. Girls are into him like flies to shit. He would roll around in shit for Sammi. I think it's time we show Ronnie Salò. I have a feeling he would shit himself. Then roll around in it while crying tears of joy because someone else understand how shit is really a symbol for what is great in the world. More shit please!

JWoww is seemingly feeling bad about cheating on her boyfriend. She plans to tell him right away when he comes to visit her. But he shows up with their friend Jay and a bouquet of roses. I will say this. She looks genuinely touched and guilty at the same time. For a few fleeting seconds I believed her sincerity. She decides to wait to tell him. When? Who cares its not like her infidelity will be on national television or anything. He later tells her that if she cheats on him he will break up with her. That includes kissing. She has ends up calling him a day or two after he returns home to tell him she kissed another guy. He asks her if she wants to break up. She says no and she's sorry. He hangs up on her. You know I don't condone cheating. However, I think there is a bigger reason to reconsider dating JWoww - other then her atrocious nickname: Her hair. I can't find a picture of it. But when I do it's coming up, It looks the the nest of a rat king. She also later wears a tee shirt that says Dirty, Filthy Beatz. Move over Michelle Obama America has a new fashion icon.

Well JWoww is sad. But everyone agrees she did the right thing. Pauly D. Says it's great because now she won't feel guilty when they make out.

That same weekend two of Jolie's friends decide to visit. She calls her boyfriend to see is he will visit. He's again really rude to her on the phone. She convinces him to just meet her that the bar Headliners. The whole gang is going.

Vinny wears a vest, button down and tie. He wants a classy night out. That is fair. But Headliners pretty much looks like that generic club that claims to be legit but let's teenagers with a fake college id in. Yes Mr. Bouncer I am 21 years old and go to the Robin T. Fakeyton University.

When Jolie's boyfriend shows up he tells her he feels weird about their relationship and one of them breaks up with the other ( I really couldn't tell who did it) for pretty much no apparent reason other then they are 30 min. away from each other. That is one tough long distance relationship. Cue eye rolling.

Sniffy goes outside to talk to Jolie's friends. She says you can't come into the situation while being in a relationship. Really? Cause The Situation will cum into you no matter what your relationship status is. WAAAA WAAAAAA

During this conversation we find that the plot thickens. It turns out Jolie's douchy boyfriend is married. Well he's going through a divorce. But is still technically married.

Jolie decides she's done for the night and goes home. But her boyfriend keeps calling. On her cell phone and on the house phone. She refuses to to talk to him. Everyone says Jolie is a drama queen. The next day they all talk about how they hate her boyfriend. Even more so when they find out he is still married. But even though this guy is a total dick, they still think Jolie is drama queen.

Jolie and Vinny have to go to work. But Jolie isn't up to it. Vinny shows up and tells the manager that Jolie isn't coming. She shows up an hour later after developing a sudden soft cough and argues that she is sick. The manager assumes she is hung-over. She isn't. She tells him she is having boyfriend problems and demands he understand. He says he does. But she either needs to have someone cover her shift or suck it up and work. She refuses to do either and goes back to the house. Their boss/landlord shows up and wants to talk to her. She says she will only speak with him in the bathroom. He refuses because he says he is not 15 years old. Snap! So instead he talks to her through the door. He fires her and she has to leave the house because one of the only rules is you have to work in the shop to live in the house. Jolie is over it anyway. She packs up her garbage bags and bounces. No one is sad to see her go. They all agree she was disrespectful to their boss and is again a drama queen. Mike compares her to a fire work that fizzled to soon and was loud but not pretty. We have the next poet laureate. Pauly thinks she is crazy to want to leave the Jersey shore in August. Umm Pauly most people avoid Seaside in August. Mostly to avoid people like you. Sammi says fuck her, she's no longer part of "the shore". Like Jokie left Hasty Pudding or some organization of prestige.

Enough Drama yet? Oh don't worry we still have two more skanky story arcs.

Snookie invites her friend Ryder to visit. Mike thinks he might hook up with Ride Her because "she's not ugly". Romance isn't dead at the Jersey Shore. After going to a bar and provocatively dancing while old men looked on and laughed Snooze and Ryder decide to go into the hot tub and invite Mike to join.

Meanwhile Sammi and Ronnie decide to go mini golfing. Mike hangs around Sammi as she is getting ready. In a moment of either brokering peace or absolute cruelty Sammi invites Situation to go. Mike declines because he may go into the got tub with Floozy and rough Ryder. Sammi couldn't care less.

Sammie and Ronnie have a nice time on their date. They then lock themselves in the "Guest Room" because it has a bigger bed. Everyone assumes they are fucking. Sammi says they talked all night. Then at one point she rolls over on top of him and say" Oh my god like. Like sorry Mom". Sammi's mom is like "like you're adopted."

Mike says he is no longer jealous of Sammi and Ronnie. He has so much going on he doesn't you know have time to think about them. Yeah. It's true Mike has hot tubs to think about.

In the hot tub Snookie get bored and makes out with Ryder. It's not at all put on for attention. It's a beautiful display of affection. She even says it's because she wants to make out and no one would so Ryder will because the boys like that. Doesn't Snook know faux lesbian behavior is so 2001? The Situation gets flustered. Then he makes out with Rider and Snookie. Snookie tells him to fucking fuck her in the ass. Move over Lord Byron. Vinny is also in the hot tub. He sits back and laughs in disbelief like he's watching Animal Planet. Oh Vinny. You are still the smartest one in the house.

Case in point Mike and Pauly D almost set the house on fire because they put charcoal in a lit gas grill.

The next night the gang goes to their regular watering hole Karma. Everyone is having a good time. Sammie and Ronnie are going strong. Vinny asks Ronnie to join a guido circle jerk dance. Ronnie starts busting out spastic break dancing moves. He then tells us he doesn't know how he knows to do it. He never learned it just comes natural. Because if there is a god, god would be concerned with Ronnie not dancing like a hip hop marionette and bestow this gift on him. Sammi can't find Ronnie so she runs into her friend who is a cop. They start to flirt. Then she sees Ronnie dancing with some blonde 57 year old and decides to give the cop her number out of spite.

JWoww tells ronnie he better check his girl. He gets upset and leaves. He enters the house without his shirt on. He needs to be in is safe place shirtless. His power animal is a shaved gorilla.

Back at the club JWoww feels bad for Ronnie and decides to go back to the house to make sure he is ok.

Someone tells Sammi that Ronnie and JWoww left together. Sammi gets upset and walks past The Situation making out with the blonde who was dancing with Ronnie. Jesus.

On her way back to the house Sammi is ranting about how she is pissed off and will hit a bitch or something equally as cliche and stupid.

And that's this weeks Jersey Shore. Will Sammi and JWoww come to blows? Who cares because we will witness this quality moment:

Snookie goes down

Seriously? Fucking seriously? Then people wonder why Italian-Americans are upset over this. Apparently earlier today MTV said they will not show this footage. You know MTV it's a little late. It's been all over the internet for at least 2 weeks. And you know something. Stop trying to pretend you care. I actually think showing this footage would enlighten a lot of people as to what fucking trash goes to these places.

By the way has anyone heard about sponsors pulling out of this show? Well here is who decided was this was their target audience.

Bod Body Spray for men. The RC Cola of tacky drugstore men's fragrance. they advertised ever commercial break.

Also Avatar, the movie. Because James Cameron wants us to remember his finest epics such as Titanic the worst movie of the 90's. And he isn't afraid to whore his lameness out to any demographic. Money is money and papa James needs a new pair of diamond covered paper cups.

Last and least for Shore is The Boondock Saints: 2. Boondock Saints 2! Yes I know a lot of people liked the first one. But you know what? Guess what? Guess who didn't like it? Thumbs pointing at me. It was terrible. In fact I apologize to James Cameron. Because Boondock Saints is the worst movie of the 90's. And the fact that they decided to make a sequel 10 years later is not only sooooo relevant. But so insulting to anyone who has had a script shelved for not being considered marketable or good quality. A movie with a director and writer so absurd and shitastic they made a documentary about him called Overnight:

Trailer and Review I smell a review from Radiation Area Coming! STFU Troy Duffy. I can accept people enjoying the movie because hey different strokes and all. I just can not accept people loving this movie because it leads me to think they have never ever seen a good movie before. And if you have access to Boondock Saints, then you have access to a lot of movies.

Also there was a Jersey Shore after hours show. It was terrible. The host displayed the worst put on hispanic New York accent I have ever heard. But we did learn Mike and Jolie had hooked up a few years before the show. OW! Hot stuff! Not really. It is pretty repulsive to think these two could have potentially procreated.

Until next time keep fist pumping. The air that is not some girls face. I don't care how trashy she is. Hitting a girl is never cool.

Mercerism and the possible rebirth of Wilder Penfield

2009-12-10T12:30:00.001-05:00

Budding romances and self realized blasé news have no place in the world of dreamt electric sheep. - Cortney Riley

I said this today. It was to a crazy person who kept asking me if I liked to go on the internet and talk about myself or flirt. I am oddly proud of my off the cuff reference to Philip K. Dick.

The person then covered her mouth and looked at me like I was the one having conversation with the man who lives inside her hand. She whispered something to him and moved away from me. God bless the subway.

Jersey Shore is SICK BRO!!!

2009-12-07T22:42:00.096-05:00

Note: I was really tired when I wrote this. So I know there are more typos then usual. I will edit in a day or two. I just wanted to get this out so all two of you knew I was sincere about this blog. Thanks!!

Ok pumpkins let's go to Seaside Heights. For all of you in the tri-state area we lovingly call it Sleezeside or as the real locals call it The Jersey Shore. Most people would call it the beach. But not New Jersey. It's the shore baby! I am not even being a jerk about this I had a conversation with my boss who lives in New Jersey and we talked about how they call it the shore while New Yorkers usually say the beach. However, guidos also call it the shore. Now I want to preference this by saying NOT all people from New Jersey are guidos. Just like not all people from Staten Island are guidos. Or Queens, The Bronx or Brooklyn. They exist everywhere from Albany to Pensacola to Mexico to the Denmark. Ok I made the last one up. But guidos primarily exist in areas that are predominately Italian. Obviously, not all Italians are guidos. But, gudios are almost always Italian. If any of you are a fan or my myspace blogs or just know me personally (that's like all 4 of you) then you know my stance on the guido. But let's pretend someone new has stumbled upon this blog and is from Kansas. They might wonder why I would use a derogatory term like guido. Well, I am a quarter Italian on my mother's side. Her family likes to think they are culturally Italian. And I guess they are. Most of her siblings including her married wasps. Then had myself and my cousins who all turned out whiter then milk. And what's amusing is while her family is Italian, I still have some of the darkest hair at the reunions. God Bless the Brits. They really do spawn creepy waif like Victorian Edward Gorey looking children. Which went over like gang busters in a mostly guido high school. A place where orange tans, fake nails and house music were all the rage.

Oh what this is about a show on MTV.

Oh baby byrds. You know I am getting to that. My point is I have had in depth interactions with guidos and I feel as someone who shares a little Italian blood I have earned the rights to insult a subculture that give my mother's family a bad name. Between the tacky clothes, the sexist and trashy behavior and overall tawdry lifestyle which loves The Sopranos and calls anyone who might just like something else a fag; I have spent my life resenting them.

Here's the rub for all of Staten Island's flaws I like it here. But, wait here comes MTV to cause my hometown to be a national joke time and time again on the True Life Series. Who could forget Charlie and Sabrina from I'm getting married or the lovely tangerine idiots from I'm a Staten Island girl*? The the mayor of Belmar further confirmed our image. I guess that's why MTV sat back and said He's stealing our thunder. Let's make a show about guidos from staten island who go to the "Jersey shore". This started about having "shore house shares" on True Life, but then it got big. So big it birthed Jersey Shore. MTV said. Wait now. There are guidos all along the eastern seaboard. Let's take 8 of them put them up in a beach house and make them work there for summer and see what happens real world style. And, then Mario jumped over a barrel and yelled "That's a spicy meatball-a!" If you still have no idea what I am talking about feel free to check out the trailer. When I first saw this I vomited in my mouth and out my eyeballs. After a month of ranting about how this was going to ruin Staten Island's image even more, I sucked it up and watched the 2 hour premier. That's right I said 2 hour premier. And you know something. It was entertaining. Yes, I am laughing at these morons. And yes after a week of feeling so much pride over Staten Island's senator Diane Savino speech on the floor on the New York State Senate, this does set us back. But you know? I said it in a previous post. At this point anyone who thinks islanders and Italians are like this are equally as stupid as the stereotype of the culture. I am at this moment along for the ride.

Now that I bored you to death let's get on with the show.

8 20 something "hot guido and guidettes" (they proudly call themselves this BTW) spent the summer of 2009 living and working at the Jersey shore to have their lives taped and their venereal diseases exposed.

Let's meet them: HERE

Now if that video didn't quench thirst I will give you a recap.

Meet Snookie

Nicole aka snookie is from upstate New York. As you saw from the video she wants to meet a hot juiced up guido and hook up with them. Her dream is to move to New Jersey and marry such a fine fella and live like one of the housewives on that Bravo show. Snookie manages to get shit-faced in the first few hours of meeting her roommates. By shit-faced I mean drink a lot. She throws tantrums because she isn't the center of attention, then takes off her clothes and enters a hot tub in her bra and and an animal print thong with her 4 male roommates. She proceeds to try and make out with all of them including a female (come on snook save if for Gossip Girl). But is rebuffed. Because, even these guys and gal have standards? I'm actually not sure. Then she falls down some stairs and passes out. She awakens to discover her roommates have left her alone. This is where Snookie (by day 2 no one seems to get this name correct calling her snickers and combinations of that) encounters her Mount Everest:

Yes! A duck phone. It quacks when it rings. And the quacking blows her mind. But what seems to fail in her brain is that when you pick up the phone and then place it face-down it disconnects. This goes on for about 15 minuets of people calling and her not realizing she is hanging up on them so they call back and cause more quacking. Someone call Dante. Because he forgot this ring of hell (ha yeah ring. I made a pun, not on purpose; but let's roll with it).

The next day Snook is still drunk and proceeds to vomit. Her roommates again leave her and she is late for her orientation of her new job. It's working in a tee-shirt store where you can have decals melted onto cotton polly blends or if you aren't creative you can buy a classy tee that says M.I.L.F. Hunter or I am going nucking futs. I am not kidding. Her boss isn't pleased but lets her slide this one time. Later on she apologizes to her roommates for her behavior. They accept. Later on she hears the girls yelling at a bunch of elegant women (random drunk girls walking pass the house) who the guys brought over and assumes they are talking about her and decides she is going home. After asking her mommy and daddy what to she she packs up. But Sammi "Sweetheart" convinces her to stay. This is great news to Pauly D. who feels in a perfect world him and superfly snuka would have little guidos and gudettes with poufs and blowouts. It's just like what Jay Gatsby was thinking when he stared at the green light.

So any whore Snoozy goes out later to bring home a stranger or friend (I am not sure) who she made out with. Sammi says he's not bad. He then projects vomit on their porch. She is disgusted but walks him home. She won't kiss him because she doesn't want throw up breath. Oh the irony. Because 24 hours earlier Sammi refused to help her when she was sick because she didn't want snafu's "pukey" breath on her. Snook is left wondering why she has no luck with men. It's ok Snook. You're not alone. Cathy goes through the same thing each week in her comic strip.

Meet Pauly D

Pauly D. is the hottest guido DJ in Rhode Island. As you may have seen in the video Pauly has a fucking tanning bed in his house; because that's how serious he is about being a guido. He plays the hottest songs at the hottest clubs and then babbled about how he doesn't mean to take your girl but usually they go home with him. They can't help it and you shouldn't be mad about it. He's Pauly Fucking D. Come on now. Pauly shows us how it takes 25 min. to perfect his awesome blow out or Brooklyn Wave to the natives.

Pauly arrives at the house but not before taking enough hair gel to last an entire decade. He decides to room with The Situation and Sammi Sweetheart. Pauly doesn't contribute to much. But he's pretty good at selling tee shirts. Later on he goes out clubbing with the gang. He and JWoww start flirting even though she has a boyfriend who is her best friend. By flirting I mean they grind each other. Or as he says: "It starts to get real intimate. You know real sexual." Pauly D. doesn't care JWoww has a boyfriend if she wants to cheat, he'll happily be that guy. Later at the house he shows her his penis. It's pierced. She loves it. He tell her no one knows. She says she does and now so does all of America. I suspect Pauly D. has fried a lot of brain cells in his tanning bed. He's no subtle Patrick Bateman.

The next night Pauly and JWoww flirt again. She takes off his shirt in a club. Then leaves him shirtless, but more on that later. Somehow he has a shirt again (I think). Maybe he keeps an extra in his blow out. Later that night a fight breaks out. OF COURSE IT DOES!!! This is Guido town. Remember? Some one pushes Vinny. Pauly hits him in the face and explains it only takes 9 pounds of pressure to break someone's nose. Opps I was wrong. Pauly D. is a fucking genius.

Now these three need to be introduced together.

Meet Ronnie:

Ronnie is from the Bronx. Before he goes out he makes a fruit mixture called Ron Ron Juice. Vinny calls it the root of all evil. He says girls are attracted to him like flies on shit. Yep Ronnie compares himself to shit. My job is done.

Meet Sammi Sweetheart:

She's from Hazlet New Jersey. She makes out with two of her roommates in the same night. That's sweeter then the baby animals wearing jammies in the Sweet Millions ads. She says she's the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet. She likes to wear hair extensions, the shortest shorts, have the tannest skin and wear the hottest heels. She is out break hearts and if you aren't a guido you can get the fuck out of her face. My goodness the warmth is flooding over me. Oh wait that's the gamma rays coming from her skin.

And now meet Mike "The Situation"

Mike was born on Staten Island, but moved to Manalapan, NJ when he was a kid. MTV credits him from there. So as far as I am concerned they can have him. Mike is 27. The 2nd oldest after Pauly D. He's 27. A hard 27. Seriously I have seen 50 year old crack addicts look younger. Any douche Mike is called "The situation" because his abs are the situation. This is a nick name for his abs and himself in total. The Situation likes to talk about himself in the 3rd person. He says everyone loves the situation. Babies, Dogs, grandams, Hot girls cougars etc.

On the first night Situation and Sammi seem to have a little spark. They hold hands on the boardwalk. When he and Ronnie go to the gym together they talk about Sammie. Ronnie would pound her. Ronnie also wondered is he should have gotten some sloppy pounding out of the way and pounded Snicker the night before. Ronnie needs to stop saying pound as code for sex. Ronnie think Sammi carries herself well. Situation is concerned for a moment but knows he is "The Situation" so not to sweat it. Phew.

On the 2nd night Ronnie or maybe and Mike and Vinny invite some classy young ladies from the boardwalk to join them in the hot tub. They oblige. Then make out with each other and Ronnie and Vinny and take off their red polyester thongs. Sammi and Jolie watch in disgust. Mike feels uncomfortable being in the hot tub with them with Sammi watching. She tells him to have fun. Ronnie is less then thrilled with their presence. Jolie eventually makes all of the girls uncomfortable and calls them whores and skanks. They leave angry. Jolie yells at them for slamming the door. Jolie is in the right for not wanting hep c in her hot tub. But, she's still an asshole.

The next day Mike and Sammi work a shift together. Mike Shits is a natural born salesman. You thought Pauly D. was a retail whiz? Well, Situation sold one just now (his words). He manages to sell several hot pants with the sentence I love the Situation Ironed on the rear end. He uses magnetism and his ab situation to make it work. You'd think it would make women roll their eyes that a stranger is pushing them to buy hotpants with his name in it? GUIDO TOWN! REMEMBER? Sammi is impressed. When these two get home from work they are alone. Because everyone else went slumming, I mean clubbing. Sammi wants to know if anyone in the house likes her. Other then Mike who has pretty much told her 15 times he wants her. She is interested if Ronnie likes her. Mike says Ronnie said he would pound her. Then he said Ronnie said he would pound every guidette in Seaside. Mike is smooth and subtle with that.

The next night Mike and Sammi join the gang for clubbing. Mike says it's not a matter of when they hook up it's a matter of when he decides. Sammie and Mike dance. She goes to walk away and The Situation lays on her the most awkward make-out moves ever. No not yawning and putting his arm around her. Nothing that romantic. He grabs her arm as she's walking away then grabs her face and lays what might be the clumsiest french kiss since a 6th grade dance. It last for a few moments. I guess that magic wasn't working on Sammi because a half hour later she goes over to Ronnie and starts grinding him and they make out. Mike sees this and is upset and threatens to go Jerry Springer on her ass. The give each other the finger. Mike then starts a fight in which Vinny gets pushed and Pauly D. give us that medial pearl of wisdom about 9 pounds of pressure and the human nose.

They all go back to the house Vinny, Pauly and Situation run into some girls on the boardwalk and invite them over to hang out. Mike sees Ronnie and Sammie at the house and again tells her what a jerk she was. To which Sammie says they don't have anything going on and Ronnie is hot. Have I mentioned she's a sweetheart? Look I am not a fan of the Situation's 55 year old leather skin but it is pretty classless to make out with two of your roommates on the same night. Humm after looking at the other girls in the house I am starting to think maybe that is classy for Guido Town.

The guys are once again cock blocked by Jolie. Mike ends up looking pensive in a hammock while Sammie and Ronnie look on from a few feet away giggling at his sadness. Sammi explain to Ronnie how her kiss with Mike was meaningless. She shows him what by kissing him and it becomes a make out session. Mike is about 10 feet away. SWEETHEART!

Ok now meet Jenni, JWoww:

Jenni AKA JWoww. She said it not me! She is from upstate New York. JWoww has a boyfriend. But she's like a praying mantis. She said she bites the heads off guys once she has sex with them. Most of her relationships last about a month and then she moves on to the next lucky guy. JWoww doesn't do much for most of the first 2 episodes. However, she does provide some priceless moments. She neglects to mention her boyfriend the first few hours she is there. Vinny thinks that is shady. Vinny also saw her walking out of her car and into the house and sprinted to his suitcases and claimed the bedroom with the one bed so he wouldn't have to room with her. I am starting to think Vinny is the brains in this seaside palace.

JWoww says she won't cheat on her boyfriend. Then grinds Pauly D. and sees is prince albert and says she loves it. Then in a confessional admits she cheated on her boyfriend. No shit?

The next night she makes out with Pauly D again. She also removes his shit then walks out of the club and back to the house with his shirt. Which is odd since he is wearing it later on. We already discussed his stash though. JWoww goes back to the house and with more grace and poise then anyone has ever displayed on national television before she tells us that she didn't want to cheat on her boyfriend and decided instead to drink water and eat ham. Oh sorry eeeeeaaat haaaaaaammm. I swear I am not making this up!

Did you see her elegant shirt in the first picture? Move over Audrey Hepburn.

Now let's get to Angelina "Jolie"

Angelina AKA Jolie is the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. AGAIN I stress these are her words. Jolie is an all natural beauty with big boobs and a big fat ass-her words (her words). From what I could tell she did part of her intro interview topless. She has a boyfriend and hates sluts. She shows up at the beach house with her stuff in garbage bags. Don't judge. It's all the rage. The Kardashians are totally trading in their Louis Vitton for Hefty. Duh!

Jolie pretty much annoys every guy in the house. On the night the guys brought girls to the hot tub she chased them out and called them whores. On her first day of work she didn't do anything. Selling tee shirts is below her and as she says she a bartender. She does, like, you know, great things.

On the first night of clubbing Jolie gets really drunk and grinds on a bunch of guys including a roided up ultimate fighting giant of a guido who grabs her hand and pulls her away from the cameras telling her he wants to be alone with her. The next day Ronnie and Vinny tell her she cheated on her boyfriend. She doesn't remember. She uses the duck phone to call her boyfriend and ask him is grinding one's ass into someone else's crouch is cheating. He yells at her that he is going into a meeting and can't talk to her and hangs up. It's reasonable he couldn't talk to her at that moment but he sounds like a dick. Then again she tried to call him like 20 times and gets his voicemail and is insulted he can't talk to her. I guess his nasty tone was fine. They should totally get married. Later when Vinny gets pink eye Sammi says she will cover his shift from 3 to 6. That still leaves 6 to 9 uncovered. Vinny asks Jolie who says she will cover from 6 to 7. But she has to leave to get ready to to go out at 11:30 at night. It takes her 5 hours to look like a middle aged old vegas strip hooker.

Later on that night with The Shituation, Ronnie, Sammi love triangle unfolding Jolie defends Sammi to Mike. She then cock blocks the guys again by calling their lady friends whores. They girls leave. Jolie says sluts should be abused (irony, party of Jolie). Then her and Mike get into a fight over her behavior. He says she jealous. She says she is beautiful and all natural. The Situation waves a spatula at her and says she should lose 5 to 10 pounds and then they can talk. She then threatened to cut his hair when he's sleeping. YOWZA that's ground for justifiable homicide in guido culture. Tread easy whorelie. I mean Jolie.

Lastly we have Vinny

Vinny also hails from Staten Island. He's 21. He's claims to be a traditional old school Italian. He's about family and his heritage. He doesn't tan or have spiked hair or wear lip gloss. He comes from a large family where his mom cuts his turkey for him. He wants us to know he graduated college. But don't let his scholarly ways fool you. He knows how to have fun and fist pump with the best of them. He then demonstrates this to reveal a giant pit stain. Oh well there are more Ed Hardy Shirts in Pauly D. blowout.

As I mentioned before Vinny may in fact be the only semi normal one of the bunch. He seems to think JWoww self imposed nickname is stupid. He thinks Snookie is a mess. He doesn't seem to think Sammi is worth the drama. He thinks Jolie was pretty ghetto to use trash bags as luggage and noticed the other guys have spiky hair. I was all about to say Vinny should in fact not even be on this show because he wasn't a circus clown. But...then he went out and said he didn't care of you were fat or ugly or 45. He's dance with you because it's fucking hilarious. He then dove through the legs of some over weight hag with chicken legs who was smart enough not to sign an on camera release so her face was blurred. And then the next day woke up with pink eye. You know on second thought Vinny is still the smartest one in the house.

And that was the first 2 episode of Jersey Shore. It was everything one could expect. My friend pointed out that they are a group of people who are comfortable with themselves and in a sense that is refreshing.

It isn't refreshing so much as of course they are comfortable with themselves. They love their life and to that I tip my hat. Because I can't say I am always so comfortable in my skin. But then again I didn't check my self respect at the tanning salon door.

So until next recp keep fist pumping!

* MTV True Life I am a Staten Island Girl had an overwhelmingly negative response from MTV said it was one of their most controversial episodes ever.

Can't talk, Bosses will eat me...

2009-12-07T13:03:00.001-05:00

Ok so I have to post this quickly. I am at work and can't really be doing this. However, there is a perk to working in advertising other then all the Mad Men references (that no one in my department watches becasue they are looking for trailers for 24 on line all summer long). FREE MAGAZINES. I get so many free magazines from publishers that really want my company’s business. One of my favorites came today. Animal Fair - A lifestyle magazine for animal lovers. This magazine is absurd. It has celebrities and their pets. It's a magazine that already has a fluffy (pun kind of not intended) point of journalistic integrity and then they fluff it up more by writing really mundane softball articles about famous people's pets. Sometimes they have articles about pet adoption or animal rescue but for the most part its garbage.

In the back they have an advice column called Dear Lucky... Where "pets" write in to ask the columnist (a Maltese named Lucky) questions. Now what makes this really bad is that it’s obviously a people writing in pretending to be their pet or their imaginary pet. But, then obviously someone pretending to be Lucky writes the pet back talking directly to the pet. Does this sound imbecilic yet? Oh not quite? You think it's charming?

Well... the questions these "pets" are writing in are questions that are not something any person actually needs answered about their pet. Here's an example: I've been a pampered pooch all my life. I really enjoyed going out for my monthly grooming and spa treatments. Lately, I've been demeaned into bathing at home in the bathtub. Why am I being punished? Are you fucking kidding me? Someone took the time out of their day to pretend to be their dog and to write in a question pretending that the dog really is shamed and concerned it's being bathed at home and not at a groomer? Someone decided to not only pretend to write in as thier dog, but they made thier dog a spoiled asshole on top of it? Answer: YES! Then another adult got paid to pretend they are Lucky and answer the person/dog in a way that was serious/ Lucky's response: Those monthly grooming expenses can add up when your owners are trying to cut back on spending. Humans rather enjoy luxurious bubble baths in the tub. Change your perspective and enjoy the extra attention being showered upon you at home. -WHAT. THE. FUCK? Obviously the person who wrote the question for their dog knows why they had to cut back on costs. I assume they are trying to save money. So what are you pretending to be your dog? Why are you pretending that your dog cares this much if at all? Why are you pretending that your dog will be able to understand the economic climate and the need to save money if another dog explains it to them? I assure you the dog doesn’t realize or care that it's not going to the spa. And furthermore you or Lucky can't explain it to the dog. 1) Because it's a dog. Dogs are awesome. But they aren't rational thinkers. They don't engage is current events. 2) Because it doesn’t give a shit. If it hates taking baths at home chances are it hates taking baths anywhere.

Is this written by the insane or the mentally challenged? Or, the insane mentally challenged?

Check it out for yourself: WOOF!-Kill yourself!

Coming to an unread blog near you

2009-12-05T17:30:00.002-05:00

As all 4 of you know I work full time with a long commute. So I can't always get something of substance here. However, I am putting twilight on hold. Gina is going to rent it for us to watch. I refuse to pay for this crap again.

In the mean time I am working on 2 plots (don't I sound like a serious writer?). 1) a long time coming: Lars von Trier and his need to 98% make movies that are like eating bullshit and then vomiting and then being told that you are obviously too stupid to realize that the point of eating shit is to vomit and there is beauty in that so stop gagging and praise me. Oh and the fact that he pretty much seems to hate women. 2) And of course the pop culture phenomena: JERSEY SHORE. Oh yeah! I watched this. Twice! I didn't find it as offensive as MTV True Life: I'm a Staten Island Girl. Because it's so over the top with idiots that your brain just shuts down from a guy who calls his abs The Situation can't possibly be taken seriously in a documentary form so you may as well just except the fact that people who think this is the majority of the Tri-State area are just as moronic as the people on the show so you may as well be in on the joke too.

You feeling me yet readers? Yeah I'd pound you too.

Meet the most amazing humans since The Algonquin Round Table.

BAH GOO!!!!

2009-11-28T21:13:00.001-05:00

I am not being super lazy. for months Twilight has been on demand. Now it has vanished! God damn it! I now have to debate borrowing it or writing it from my notes from March. I will make one last attempt this weekend to get my hands on a copy. Otherwise it's going to be from poor memory and from 6 pages of notes, which are all over the place.

On another note I have to quickly write about a problem that has pegged me my entire life. Anytime I attempt to watch a movie with or near my mother the experience is always ruined for me. Why? Many reasons my loves, many reasons. 1. Whenever my mom attempts to enjoy a movie or TV series I enjoy it always becomes a disaster. It turns out my mom has no desire to actually watch anything I recommends. She spends the entire time asking me questions rather then enjoy or even absorb the movie. I can put a movie on for her and before the plot line unravels she will ask me an uncountable amount of questions about what is going on. Who each character is. What their motivation is etc. I pointed out most of her questions would be answered if she shut up and watched the movie/program. To which she tells me she would rather I just tell her so she doesn't have to pay attention. Keep in mind this woman is a high school teacher and an adjunct college professor. and she would rather I cliff note it for her live. It's unbelievably annoying. I have told her if she doesn't want to watch my movies it's cool. But, she wants to pretend she does because she loves me - then ask me 50 questions because she loves getting me irate even more,

2. She can't not sing along to any song she hears. It doesn't mater if it's on the radio, in a movie, on the television or even a commercial. It doesn't matter if she isn't even in the same room as what's playing. She can hear a song from somewhere across her apartment and she will sing along to whatever song she recognizes. If she doesn't know the words she will hum along. And she does this loudly. And she does this badly. And it's extremely distracting. Once I was on her couch with a heavy cold. So I put on her copy of Tropic Thunder as I had never seen it before. She was in another room. Score for me. Right? Wrong. When they played Run Through the Jungle she sat up from her computer and brazenly serenaded me with the song. Or lets take tonight. I was doing laundry in her laundry room and in between loads I saw she was watching Casablanca. I haven't seen it in it's entirety since I was 17. I decided to try and get as much of it in as possible. I got to the point where Ingrid Bergman tells Sam to play As Time Goes By. I cringed. I knew it was coming. The piano starts to play. And I stare at my mother from the corner of my eye. I am waiting for it. And, she knows deep down inside I am holding my breath. As I avert my eyes back to the television I heard her mixture Estelle Parsons meets Big Edie's voice remind me an her cats that a kiss is just a kiss and a smile is just a smile and then she obviously didn't know the words because it became a garbled hummmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm mmmm sound. I got up and left.

I know what you are thinking! You think I am a brat who can't allow their own mother to enjoy a hobby she is terrible at. Well, You're wrong. Occasionally we all have a song in our heart and despite pitch or talent we all have to let it out. But, this has been my entire life. And I promise you nothing will take you out of concentration or a moment of enjoying something you are engrossed in faster then this sound: And this sounds good compared to her voice. I know it's hateful. But I am not alone in this pet peeve. I can remember my grandmother telling her to shut up. At least I have on occasion asked her if it was possible for her not to burst into song. But regardless if you are a bitter old lady yelling at her to stop ruining her golden years or an adult or child politely explaining it is distracting you will get the same reaction: She will click her tongue in disgust and with great insult basically tell you to fuck off. It never matters what your reasons are for not wanting to be serenaded. She somehow feels she is entitled to constantly pull someone out of an entertainment experience because she never got over not making the glee club and would like to prove that coach wrong at every turn.

Look I love to sing too, in the car too, usually alone. Sometimes I torture a friend or two when I Need a Lover Who Won't Drive Me Crazy comes on. But at the end of the day if I hear a swiffer commercial butchering a Devo song to sell dusters I won't override that so you can hear me flex the gilded pipes. Why? Because I am polite.

And yes I thank my mom from evicting me from her womb. But does that mean I have a life time of not enjoying anything without either a barrage of obviously questions (who's car is that? Who is that guy? Is she the killer? Is that her brother?) or her amazingly shrill versions of everything from Love Hurts to Charlie Chaplain's Smile.

Working for the bloggin' man

2009-11-20T20:13:00.005-05:00

Ok so tonight I have promised my ass to a double feature of Basic Instinct 2 (More Sharon Stone absurdity, less Sharon Stone poon) and I Know Who Killed Me (All Lindsey Lohan badness). But my heart belongs to the blog. I am reviewing my long defunct twilight notes and I fear I may have to watch this amazingly terrible movie again.

But Cortney, how can you admit you are watching a double penetration of clown fuckery and then mock Twilight? Oh, rest up baby birds, I'm going to feed you. BI 2 and IKWKM (yes it's like that) are indeed terrible movies. So bad they make me laugh out loud (LOL to the kids out there). Twilight kind of makes me laugh out loud but their fans are so ravenous they kind of scare me and make me not want to LOL, MA.

Here's a quick run down of how ingrained in their wonder lust they are. A few months ago I was at a wake and I was talking to a lovely young lady who shall remain nameless. I have nothing against this young girl in the least. We have different taste but over all she's a nice enough person and she is practically family. So even if I had ill feelings I do what any red blooded person does. I bit my tongue drink way to much wine and then eventually stop caring if there are any personality clashes. But in all seriousness I want to stress that I have no issues with this lady friend. Except for maybe her taste in some books and movies. Cough, cough. yes I am talking about Twilight.

Now to be fair and honest. I have never read the books. A lot of people have insisted I should read the books and discount the first movie. That is a totally valid point. And perhaps one day I will. Because there are plenty of amazing and/or fun books whose translation to film fell flat.

My issue with not reading the books steams from the fact that I have cheated and looked up the plots and character history on the old wikipedia. They just do not seem like my cup of tea. I am not opposed to vampires and fantasy. I am just not sure I dig a series of books about a boring character where every guy and mythological creature falls in love with. And this is stupid but I am not sure I want teen abstinence shoved down my throat. I was a teenager under Clinton. We had lots of sex talks, promotion of condom use and cabinet members recommending teenagers learn to masturbate properly to help drive down all that crazy sex my generation was or was not having. It was like the 60's. Free, with more responsibility and less arrogance.

Anywho I mentioned this when my friend highly recommended the Twilight series to me. Now I am aware I am kind of an asshole. When I have decided something is not for me I tend to make that obvious and I should learn to live and let live. So I tried to engage the conversation so I wasn't obviously rolling my eyes on the inside. It's not her fault I am pretentious about my vampire fiction. She mentioned the 4 (sorry if I am wrong with that number) books and I asked if there would be more. She said there was a 5th sort of in the works which was just retelling the first book from the hunky vampire love interests point of view. But, someone got their hands of part of the draft and released it on line and the author Stephanie Meyer was so disheartened she could not bring herself to finish it. Now my response was kind of annoyed. I said that it was a pretty obnoxious of Meyer to deny her crazed fans a 5th book, simply because someone was a jerk. To the credit of my friend she made a point about artistic integrity and temperamental nature of the writing process. And how if a writer's heart is not in the project they shouldn't just write it for the sake of pleasing the masses. Good point! It's completely true. But, I also am not sure how much artistic integrity is involved with basically rewriting a story one already wrote just from a different point of view. Well, I do. But lines like she had the sweetest blood I ever smelled (paraphrasing) is not William Falkner. She's not writing the Sound and the Fury. She's writing about vampires who have strong Mormon overtones, oh and about an 80+ year old vampire who can't think of anything better to do with his immortality except be an eternal high school student. I just have a hard time understanding how anyones heart was ever in that to being with. So stop pretending to be tortured and give your fans that have made you a millionaire many times over the recycled non kiddie porn they were waiting for.

Anyway I have rambled to long about this. I am off to try and recapture the true essence of why I thought this movie sucked. I shouldn't be attacking the nature of a writer who books I have not read.

If you don't hear from me again. It's because my brain exploded from too many bad movies in one 24 hour period. Or some soccer mom who has a "Team Jacob" teeshirt traveled to my home in Hitsville and killed me.

Something you should check out

P.S. I totally stole LOL, MA. from the link above. I found it funny as heck and want to go it there every chance I get. Also, Videogum is one of my favorite sites. The main writer/editor is biting and in my view one of the funniest writers I have found in a while. Gabe Delahaye also mocks Twilight but about 100 times better then me. Also he does reviews of bad movies. However, I am quick to deny that I am stealing his thing. Reviewing bad movies has been around since at least 1994.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

2009-11-17T19:59:00.001-05:00

I always try to blog. I use to be a prolific blogger on the old myspace ( so long old friend, you were better then friendster). But other blog attempts have failed. I am a failure. I created this simply to post my long over due Twilight review (aka the most spectacular and horrid movie I have come across in a while). Now that we are on the breaking dawn of the 2nd movie I guess it is still relevant. I will do that this week...maybe. I am extremely lazy and no one will read this. Unless I tag this with Twilight. And then I will have young girls and middle aged moms sending me death threats. It's almost worth it, I guess.

Any who if you are reading this you are clearly a friend who has taken pity on me. So thank you.

Also I tried to upload a picture and it failed 4 times. I failed. AGAIN!!